Adrian Mole and the Coronavirus Lockdown

A Spoof by Ruth

March 10th

Rat Wharf, Leicester

Dear Boris,

You may remember me.  We met at the Rat Wharf HS2 redevelopment project in Leicester.  We had a brief conversation about bees before you were called away to ruffle your hair for an urgent sound bite.

I am writing to ask you to write a letter about the threat posed to all citizens by the Coronavirus.  I am booked on an Easyjet flight to Rome for March 13th at a total cost of £87.51, which I paid on January 7th.  Imagine my alarm when I turned on the television today to see people in Rome confined to playing violins on their balconies!  My problem is this: international flights to Italy are still operating on the date I am supposed to travel.  Being a man of 53, with the possibility of underlying health conditions, I could not happily take my seat.  Even better, perhaps you could provide a back-dated letter to my personal travel adviser Jonny Bond of Latesun Ltd explaining my special circumstances?  I can ill afford to lose £87.51.

I remain, sir,

Adrian Mole

March 14th

I went to see Daisy today at Fair Green Cottages and Holiday Homes, formerly The Piggeries.  It might be a long time until I see her again and we’re not really on good terms after the Marigold texts.  That was fifteen years ago and somehow she’s perkier than ever since the divorce.  When Daisy was digging in the garden I could see her taut frame under her White Company shirt and camisole, her hair blowing in the breeze.  The green fields beyond sparkled and birds danced through the fruit trees in the orchard.  I asked her what she thought about the virus.

“I think we’ll go in to lock-down and everything will close for twelve weeks or more,” she said.  She then went on to tell me that she was closing her AirBnB and monetising her blog so she could expand her virtual counselling business.  

“What will happen to the sale of Rat Wharf?” 

“I don’t know Aidy, only time will tell.” 

She looks so beautiful when the corners of her mouth turn up. She reminds me so much of Pandora Braithwaite.  I wonder where she is now?

“No, there won’t be a lock-down Daisy, don’t be stupid.  What will happen to the economy?  Planes are still flying you know and the government will be meeting up to talk about it. I’m sure Boris has got a plan.”

“Aren’t you supposed to be meeting Rosie in Italy this week Aidy?  What happened? 

We didn’t talk much after that. Daisy was busy taking snaps of her homestead for Instagram.  Clouds were gathering and I thought I’d go home and watch a bit of afternoon tele.  I don’t like thinking about bad news in the afternoon.

Published by rmcintosh2018

English Teacher and Copywriter

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